Friday, January 13, 2012

Weakly Horrorscope

Everyday, thousands of newspapers are published around the world, featuring the column, Today's Fortune. Prediction or Astrology has been a topic of keen interest from old times till date. In spite of no assurance about the accuracy and authenticity, it catches a lot of attention being an attractive incentive and disguised comfort for the reader..

1. In his very first narration of Malgudi Days, a very good analysis of human nature is thrown light upon by sharing some of the fake astologer's prophecies like, "In many ways, you are not getting the fullest results of your efforts", "Most of your troubles are due to your nature. You have an impetous nature and a rough exterior". When the reader is amused by the twist in the story at the end, he/she also recollects every daily horoscope read, and admires the writer's observations.
2. Even the attention paid by a person who does not remotely believe in predictions is noticeable. As every human is, in my opinion, driven by self-sympathy and curious about the unknown, what lies ahead becomes as important to be known as the present. It is a pity, that 'Ignorance is a bliss' gets ignored.
3. Two lines can hardly describe your entire day. It is even more surprising to me, that women, known for their continuous lengthy topicless talk, surrender their faiths easily to a merely one liner that supposedly reflects their whole week's schedule.
4. People tend to bend their personality and behavioural instincts according to the unknown fortune teller's advices. A person deciding to postpone an important meet just for the sake of reading 'Better not hurry to alter your courses today' in Mumbai Mirror, might sound like an overstatement to the wise, but is commonly observed otherwise in reality. Lage Raho Munnabhai (although I do not side with Raju Hirani's exaggeration) presents exactly how well educated and cultured people can fall prey to the Pandit's suggestions, and conveniently forget morals and sanity.
5. Many react. Being neutral about what you read is a rare ability. But on an impulse, giving up your entire belief system to be modified by positions of stars and constellations is what I think needs to be lawyered. Best example, Voldy chose Harry, gave him the scar, protection from mommy's sacrifice, the parseltongue and the added advantage of the twin course. He could've chosen Nevil, a poor, almost disabled lad, or to not act at all. To chill, is easy to say, difficult to act, but still a must.
6. When two newspapers incidentally print the forecasts which are poles opposite to each other, it's interesting when the one who reads it makes a note to see whose forecast comes to be true at the end of the day. Hello!
7. It plays the most vital role in case of an arranged marriage. Getting the horoscopes matched is a 'necessary evil', as termed by most of the generations (not necessarily the old ones). We will boast of being born in 21st century, but our ideas have learnt to compromise with principles.
8. I strongly believe in the saying 'Vyakti titkya prakruti'(For every person, a different personality). Hence, trying to categorize the population of the world in roughly diverse 12 classes is not satisfactory for my intelligence. Sadly, they're also based on a person's birth date, which in fact is in the hands of his/her parents, not the stars. Whenever a person is judged by things like, birth date, birth place, looks, parents' weird qualities, surname or hereditory disease, a stable brain cell dies inside me.

Here are some of commonly noted (not copied, randomly put against any sign) newspaper-ish horrorscopes that personally I feel, anyone can relate well to:

Aries You are sometimes misunderstood. Nobody really gets you, but the important thing is to be true to yourself.
Such kind of empathetic answers appeal easily to a commoner. Being called a commoner, in fact, doesn't.
Taurus You may have to face more questions than you can deal with. Better solve the problems one at a time.
A simple advice with emotional backing is an Agony-aunt feature, any version of a fortune teller must pull off.
Gemini Follow your heart; but also consider the consequences while dealing with it.
A balanced advice. That has a quality of sounding comforting enough to the listener, but is useless enough to ignore. Nobody says, 'I knew it, what is so great about your advice' when you balance the advice with a more encouraging 'follow your heart'. Ambiguity along with diplomacy is a valuable characteristic in today's world.
Cancer A romance awaits you in near future and patience is the key to make it happen.
After analysis of world's population, stressing on the population that is more likely to have a craving to know 'what is next', we may easily infer that 'love is falling young', thus providing a huge audience for the prophecies related to romantic battles. Plus, who wouldn't like to hear some good news! ;)
Leo An important deciding turn may come in your path, so be sure about your capabilities before any future commitments or actions.
'Life is full of twists, otherwise it'll be so boring!'. It is a well known truth that everyone, at some point of time, has to face a certain path tangential to the current trajectory. Change is the only constant.
Virgo The darkest hour of night comes just before the dawn.
Twitter has everlasting trends like #fml #suchIsLife #lifeIsABitch, which shows that too many of all-generation human beings face depressing events everyday. A hope for all of it to end in something better is obviously invited by most. Also, a simple positive thought encourages will power which has the power of healing wounds.
Libra A sudden change in Saturn's position may prove to be dangerous to your life. Be careful while travelling.
Accidents happen. If the person gets hit by a bike driven by a rash drunk teenager, it is the Saturn's fault. If he does not, he was careful enough. Either ways, a safe prediction.
Scorpio Your immediate future lies in someone else's hands. Take time and make efforts to concentrate on your own.
Man is a social animal, and thus, dependent on another person's actions, choices, opinions and affection. Even if someone may not be dependant at the instant, he/she may in future be or would have once been under the influence of a different person's decisions. Thus, a never fail statement.
Sagittarius Your Jupiter is remarkably happy these days. A great development on business front is expected.
A thumbs up about vitamin M makes the reader happy. everyone likes to think that they deserve better, and a stranger saying the same doesn't harm at all. It is so captivating, that nobody wonders how the astrologer calls it 'your' Jupiter!
Capricorn Getting dumped by the partner may cause a period of sadness. Time heals all wounds.
The Earth has no choice about gravity (Some may find this irrelevent as a statement here. Note: It isn't.). People getting attracted to each other and constituting an immature relationship is common. There's a good line in Kal Ho Na Ho (I borrowed a line from KJ movie *head down*), "rishtey banaye nahi, nibhaye jaate hain" (Relations are not made, they are nurtured). Certainly, many such immature (and some mature) relationships will break eventually, and people are bound to suffer.
Aquarius What you have always counted on, is going to show it's true colors now. Beware.
Generally, human beings trust easily. Be it on financial, personal or social terms. Thus, people are subject to being betrayed and devastated most of the time. Nevertheless, a warning doesn't harm.
Pisces A health problem may arise to someone in the family.
No, nothing happened to my close ones, but yeah, my aunt's cousin sorta got bruised on the arm sticking out of the window by a bicycle chap coming from the opposite side. May be it's about that! So true!

9. The first 8 of the list are a sure hit. No chance of them getting wrong. Hence, taking a risk in the next 4 is favourable to the press. Even if some of them turn out to be wrong, the person will surely read the same column again to see if his luck is with him this time.
10. Although, I appreciate astrology as a science, a 'Vidya' beyond the scope of many, I still would like to think about the number of newspapers publishing these horoscopes everyday.
And I'm left with the bottom line, 'There are more writers, than astrologers'.

P.S. I have purposely not mentioned *sigh* anywhere to avoid redundancy.

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